Today is my fourth wedding anniversary. Sort of, anyway. It’s a bittersweet day, because it should be the day we celebrate being together, only we aren’t together, and haven’t been for a while.
Some people already know that I’m separated from Andrea. Most people don’t. I don’t really live my life online, and this is a very complicated, personal, and emotional issue. Please, I don’t need Facebook messages of solidarity, or retweets; a kind word in private, here or there, is always welcome (as is a number of bottles of decent Paso Zin).
It’s not important to talk about the whys, wherefores, and lay blame for our breakup. We both want different things from life, and those desires aren’t compatible. Neither of us is worse, or better, than the other. I’ve tried very hard to keep some sort of relationship intact, because no matter what, the time we spent together was important; being over doesn’t mean it’s disappeared from memory.
Although I manage to talk about these things in a matter-of-fact way, the internal dialogue is a lot more complicated. I’ve some deep-seated, and frankly irrational, guilt, probably as the child of a divorced couple, that I should have somehow not allowed this to happen. As it is, I tried hard to make things ‘better’, to the point where I didn’t recognise myself anymore. Dealing with the situation in a productive way is difficult, but I’m doing better than I was, and I can only imagine it will get easier as time goes on.
Part of what has guided me through all this is that, well, I’m not exactly in a unique position, am I? And, even after a (tough) break up, I’m still more fortunate than a lot of people. I’m not sure I would be so flippant as to say I’m better off for the experience, but sometimes it’s hard to see any positives when you’re sad. If I take an honest look at my life I have to admit that it could be much worse.
So, for those of you who were there with us on 5 November, 2011, thank you. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, and I know that I did. And I hope that we will all have fun, loving, and happy lives going forward, in whatever form they take.
Peace and love to all.